Fireside Chat: On a Monday
Fireside Chat was made for this purpose. It was something for me to do that was a bit informal, for me to be able to use to give an account on what i feel like is a pressing matter in my life. For those who know me, who have followed my journey (first of all, thank you!), you will know that i have had quite the adventure with pain since my injuries from the Army. Nerve damage, degenerating discs, arthritis, brain damage, knee damage, inability to feel hot or cold, and migraines from light and sound. This has limited me to very few activities and has caused a lot of nervousness with my loved ones in me doing simple things like going to the gym or doing household chores. Sometimes, it’s justified. My pride can get in the way and make me go a bit too far and injure myself. Other times, i just feel like nothing more than a checkbook and a warm body for my family.
For the past week, there’s been a new symptom. Everything i touch, everything that touches me, is painful. You know how it feels rubbing your finger across the scratchy side of Velcro? That’s kind of how it feels to me. Even typing this post is painful to me right now. Picking up my drink right now is painful. The water in my mouth sloshing around is painful. Even swallowing it feels like a billow brush. Last night, i ended up drinking too much trying to dull the pain, and went to the hospital. Due to the flu, i was told that i had some spinal cord problems, was given a couple of shots, and was sent home. I’m still in agony, but i don’t want to have a repeat of last night. There is a high bar of diminishing returns when it comes to that particular flavor of medicine!
The good news is that, if i have spinal cord problems, i should be able to get more money for my VA compensation. The bad news is that there’s not a lot they can do to help me. I’m maxed out on my Gabapentin, they won’t give me more opioids. My other half is more hopeful about the idea of something being done, but i can tell that it’s taking it’s toll on her. She can’t touch me without hurting me right now, and i know that is hurtful for her. I’m just accepting the situation for what it is: it will never get better, i will continue to get worse and worse, and i feel terrible for even being here because i just feel like a constant burden to her.
In a rare instance, I’m asking for help. Leave a comment and tell me what i can do (LEGALLY! I’m not going to a drug dealer Josh, so don’t even ask!). Should i keep my thoughts and my pain inside like i have been or should i be more open at a risk to hurting her more? Let me know which one is healthier.